We Are All Just Guessing

Well, I survived my first snow/ice driving in Nashville. It was…daunting. My poor brother had to endure me absolutely losing my crackers as I was stuck in the driveway of my apartment complex. There was no way I was getting in. My engine would soar, make a weird noise and smell, and I would move incrementally. There were some good Samaritans out and they came to my aid. I was in a state. Fit to be tied, if you will. For now, the ice has melted and all will be well until Wednesday night when another storm rolls through.

I had a conversation with a friend Saturday night that has been cooking my noodle a bit. And since I have spent almost the entire day in my apartment, I have had some time to mull it over. It would take a while to recap the conversation. And frankly, I would like to preserve the dignity of my friend by not blasting the contents on the interwebs. Suffice it to say, there were many questions raised regarding the providence and involvement of God in our lives and what all that looks like. As I listened and nodded, understanding the questions more poignantly than I would care to, I expressed the thoughts that have been swimming around in my brain for the last few months. First a little background.

The notion that God has a set plans for my life unraveled a while ago for me. I have never been what my brother calls toothpaste Christian: one that asks for the Almighty’s guidance on every decision including “Aquafresh or Colgate?” As though God gives a rat’s ass which toothpaste I use. However, I was a firm believer in tapping into or suddenly discovering God’s path for me. And my weirdo dreams that come true never discredited the notion. I didn’t sweat the small stuff. In my mid twenties when nothing was going according to any discernable plan, I started to even question the idea that there was any grand purpose or plan. And if there was, I was not terribly convinced that my hopes and dreams made the cut. I had a pastor once tell me he was going to pray that I get a husband. I told him, “Well, that is sweet, but I am not sure that me getting laid is high on his list of priorities.” He smiled at me and said he would pray nevertheless because it was high on his list. I appreciated the sentiment. I made an agreement with myself to be at peace if there was never be a husband and family for me, but that I would never stop looking, hoping, and asking for one. Even in my doubt and substantial discouragement, I still searched for “my path”. Asking God to speak to me, to guide me, to show me what I was meant to do. And if there was no “meant to”, maybe just point me in the direction of what I would enjoy more than what I had already been doing. Oddly enough, he eventually answered. And now I live in Nashville and work at American Eagle. And I am crossing my fingers that I will survive school and like being a nurse. But I do wonder if it is all just a new tablecloth over the rickety old table that has been and is still just me.

I told my friend that I had been wondering how much it would change my theology or my approach to seeking God’s purpose and guidance if there were no heaven. I know this is Evangelical heresy and I am sure I will commit it again before the post is finished. But we spend a lot of time in Christianity focused on doing everything here for a payoff there. Or not doing things, for that matter. And I wonder if we put so much pressure on hearing and doing what God wants because we fear we would be living our lives for ourselves if we did otherwise. But that approach can be paralytic to both our souls and our actions. Meaning, we can stay in a place of inaction waiting to hear before we do. And if we don’t hear, we don’t do. When if we had just done, we might have heard in the doing. Or maybe not. But at least we would be living. Jesus said that he only did what he saw the Father doing. But our only evidence of what the father was doing, was what Jesus was doing. So…how do we figure out what the father is doing? Shouldn’t we just look and see what Jesus did and go from there? Is there a super personalized plan for all of us? Or are we just supposed to do our best with what we have and what we know? He said to store up treasures in heaven. But did he mean that literally? I mean, do I have a credit account in heaven? Or was he speaking figuratively? Was he asking us to devote our lives to the things that matter, to kingdom values, to love, to charity, to generosity, to sacrifice, to being a blessing? What if there was no heaven? Then wouldn’t the point be to live the most Christian life that I can within the confines of my talents and abilities and, frankly, doing the things that I enjoy? Not engaging in behavior because we fear it is a sin, but because we know the damage it does to us and to others. I’m not advocating Christianity as merely a well-developed piece of moral regulations. There has to be room for surprise and mysticism. And we have to be open to that. But I just wonder if we should spend the majority of our time trying to leave every place we are better than when we found it. If God wants to interrupt us, well, he is God. I am sure he can manage it.

I told my friend that the best I can do now is try and do something that has some meaning. He said, “Meaning to you.” Well, yes. If I am striving to apply the values of Jesus’ life to mine, then I feel like most anything I would do will have some meaning. But I would prefer it to have meaning to me too. I’m not saying we all have to dedicate ourselves to humanitarian work. I think there is a reason we are given talents and passions. And I don’t think charity or sacrificial work is the only way to live out a Christian life. There is beauty and importance in art, music, literature, social justice, laughter, love, doing things for the sheer pleasure of it, etc. Hell, there is value in plumbing. I guess my question would be that if I lived my life that way - not excluding God from consultation or guidance, but not dependent on it for movement – would I finish my life a little more satisfied? Feeling like it mattered I was here. That I fulfilled the task that was given to me to do unto the least of these. I’ll tell you this much, I wouldn’t have wasted so much stinking time petrified to move for fear that I wouldn't make the right choice. Or even more time when I was hopeless, believing that there was no plan and no meaning. I would just do. Find who I am, and decide what it means to live out the Gospel in all of my decisions.

Life is short. And as much as Biblical literalism and the notion of the inerrancy of Scripture are comforting, it can be really debilitating and silly. At the end of the day, I think we are all just guessing. So here is my best guess: God is love and light, so I am going to try and be love and light more of the time than not. And try to find things that make me happy in the process.