Amanda Hugandkiss

I was at work the other night bagging groceries. My true calling. I never thought myself to be particularly spatially gifted. However comma I kick ass at bagging groceries. You have to aim high. Dream big. As Justin Bieber has taught us, never say never. I never knew that it would be possible that I could bag groceries with such ease and precision. It is kind of like in Sherlock Holmes when he sees how he will defeat his opponent before he fights him. That’s how I am with groceries. Mad skills. Mad, mad skills.

Anyway, I was bagging groceries when one of my coworkers who is a bit on the flirtatious side said “So what’s it gonna take? Dinner? Movie? Flowers?” I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. Then he mentioned the approach of Valentine’s Day. I then realized that this was his feeble attempt at asking me out. He told me I could think about it and get back to him. Really? It sounded a bit like “What is it going to take to sleep with you?” type of question. Much more than dinner and a movie. Even throwing in flowers won’t cut it. The phrase “too much car for you” comes to mind. Me being the car, of course.

It made me think about all the terrible lines that I have heard over the years. And I have heard some doozies. Once, I was cleaning floorboards at Starbucks and a customer came in and asked “How much will it cost me to get you on your knees?” I responded with “Does calling a woman a whore usually work for you?” I also had a guy order a super sweet, lukewarm beverage. He said, “I like my coffee like me women. Really sweet and not that hot. You seem sweet.” Really, dude. You just told me that I am not that hot. There was the lovely man that followed me home from the park when I was living down by USC. He kept telling me that he had a hot tub and “I like white girls. For real.” I think it was all the English he knew. For real. I know that a man asked my sister “Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?” She responded with “yes”. Sadly, she was not being snarky. She didn’t realize he was hitting on her. Bless her.

There is also a very long list of idiotic things men have said to be on the cusp, during, and after our relationship. But it would take a book to catalogue those. Not a long book. More like a coffee table book. “The 10 Stupidest Things Men Say to Women” kind of book.

I’ve also had some really good lines. There was a boy in Scotland that I saw three times in one day. I was walking back to the flat where we were staying when I heard running on the cobble stone streets. The boy was running after me. Rad. Doubled over and panting he said, “I just ran all that way. Please tell me you live here.” It was epic. Cutest thing. There was an Irishman who once told me he wanted to kiss my face off. I liked that one too. My favorite has to be when I was cuddling with a boy. He had his hand…well…on my ass. My fully clothed ass, let’s be clear. He kind of laughed for a second. I asked why and he said, “Well, one of the first things that attracted me to you was your intelligence. Love how smart you are. And I can’t explain why, but it’s such a turn on to have my hand on the ass of a smart girl” Perfect. Loved it.



I actually feel some compassion for men. It is hard to approach women. On the one hand, we want to be respected and seen as an intelligent, independent person, but we also want to know you think we are a hot piece of ass. It is hard to strike that balance. And I feel for guys when they try and fail. Then again, men can pee standing up and generally fall asleep anywhere. So my compassion is rather superficial.

I guess the point of this entry is rather obvious. I’m bored and lonely. And I need a man to hug and kiss. That would be lovely.