We Like It Hot and Black

On the eve of the mid-term elections, I realize that I have been remiss in exposing our voters to the Coffee Party. People are tired of the same old same old, politics as usual, machine in Washington. Where the old, white men sit around and decide our futures with little to no regard to the wishes of the American people. The real Americans. The ones in the middle. We want change. We need change. We are tired of their slogans. Tired of their rhetoric. Tired of their gridlock and naïve assumption that we don’t know what we like. It is time to fight. It is time to unite.

Now, there are many that have felt the undercurrent of dissatisfaction with the coffee makers of yesteryear. The glass pot. The exposed burner. The water that is heated barely above 70 degrees. Despicable. No wonder we have lost the respect of the Ethiopians, the proud people of Sumatra, and the Columbian farmers that never bowed to the cocaine industry and grew their blessed beans instead. Gone are the days that our cups are filled to the rim with the richness of Brim. Gone are the days that we believe Folgers could ever be the best part of waking up. We must take back our country, our coffee, and our cups. However, our independence cannot and should not ever be expressed with a rejection of our beloved coffee. Our opponents would have you believe tea is a suitable alternative. It has caffeine. It is hot too. These are the ramblings of a party that knows it has no real substance. It only offers opposition. A Tea Party that boasts grass roots activism. I ask you, would you rather taste the leaves of grass or the cherry of a bush? Citizens, a return to pre-revolutionary tastes and traditions is not the solution. We live in trying times. We can’t afford to return to the default beverage of the pasty Brits we overthrew. We are the last superpower. We can’t have all our men sitting around in cardigans, legs crossed, speaking in hushed tones as the sip their tea. TEA!!! Tea is for pussies. And we are a nation of dogs.

We cannot afford to fall victim to their antics. They talk of diversity. You can have green tea, white tea, black tea, oolong tea, etc. But they don’t want you to experience it in its natural and loose form. No, they want to restrain it and place it in a little white bag. Their diversity is little more than a marginal change in the hue of your colored water. They promise immediate and lasting change. With the slightest bit of research, we quickly discover that tea has to be steeped to be enjoyed. Immediate change? I think not. They speak of understanding the plight of the “Average Joe”. Oh really? Is “Joe” another name for tea? Oh right, I forgot. It is another name for COFFEE.

Our platform is simple. We believe in a community gathered around coffee. We believe in supporting awkward first dates. We believe in aiding in late night cramming sessions. We believe in settling the stomach after a big meal. We believe in being used as an excuse to escape the office. We believe in tip jar economics; give out of the generosity of your heart or the pennies you just don’t want in your pocket. We believe in freedom of choice. You are welcome in our Party to prepare your coffee in whatever fashion you see fit. Turkish, French Press, Percolator, Drip, whatever your preference, you are welcome. We believe in fair trade and sustainability. There is substantial research that indicates that a room of well caffeinated 13 year olds creates enough energy to power the United States three times over. We have to start embracing energy alternatives. We believe in welfare and the recognition that everyone deserves quality coffee. That is why we look the other way when the homeless dig a cup out of the trash, bring it in, and ask for their free refill. Yes, you can have your coffee.

We cannot afford our government to be overcome with whispering, pinky in the air, saucer-using jackasses. We must take back our country. So when you vote tomorrow, don’t vote your values. Vote to stay the caffeine headache you are about to get when you have to start drinking tea.

*Written primarily for the enjoyment of Mr. Lamely