Budder Blues and Abitor Dreams

When I was little, I could never say brother. So I took to calling my brother “Budder”. It was cute, endearing, and pretty much the only thing I called him for a while. I was not particularly good at sleeping in my own bed. Always wanted to cuddle. In fact, the family said that I cuddled like Velcro. It was never enough to be near. I had to be practically inside. My brother never refused to let me sleep in his bed. Sometimes we would play a game. While they were in my sister’s room after tucking me in, I would sneak into Josh’s bed and hide. The game was to see if my parents could tell I was under the covers. This was a risky game considering that I was terribly claustrophobic. So much so that if you sat on my legs, I would scream that my legs were suffocating. But my brother never turned me away. And he never has. My brother is my greatest antagonist and my greatest champion. We have our own silly language that annoys most every person we meet. His love is constant. He is kind, aggravatingly meddlesome, and always, always on my side. Even if that means telling me my side is not the right side. He is pushes me to make better choices, to love more fully, and to believe in myself. He is a firm believer in the making of your own fate. And as I said goodbye to him tonight he told me to have hope and make the life I want to live. Josh is my protector, my safety, and my dearest friend.

Our cousin named my sister Abitor. Actually, he named his imaginary sister Abitor but the name stuck for Abbi too. We weren’t close as kids as much as we tried. And we did try. You couldn’t find more opposite creatures with such a close genetic match. We became close as we entered our teen years. Abbi is the loveliest sister you could imagine. She knows that being touched is not a want for me, but a need. And her touch is gentle, kind, and soothing. When I try to describe Abbi to others, I usually come up short. There is a magic to her that can’t quite be described. It has to be experienced. Because when you are around Abbi, you feel her grace. I think our differences are what make our relationship so amazing. She balances me. In fact, there are several people that I became friends with simply because they reminded me of my sister. She is sweet. Not like cheerleader sweet, more like warm cookies when you are sad sweet. Abbi is consummately supportive of me. Completely willing to believe the veracity of my mystic ways. And she too pushes me to believe in myself by simply reminding me to ask the question “What do I want?” Abbi is my comfort, my repose, and my dearest friend.

My siblings have weathered my darkest hours with patience and love. They have served me, loved me, challenged me, and rescued me. There are not two more dependable people in the world. And I know that I derive a great deal of security simply from the notion that there is someplace where I am fully understood.

We were always close siblings. However, in the last eight years, we had the remarkable gift of living in the greater Los Angeles area. It was here that we became friends. We are a unique bunch. Highly opinionated, often loud, determined to make the world around us sparkle, and we communicate in a mixture of made up words (with really long back stories) and movie quotes. Our collective amp goes to 11. Josh has often said that it is the three of us against the world. Nobody quite understands us like us. And nobody thinks we are as awesome as we do. I would feel a little sorry for the folks that have married into our family if I didn’t think they were actually lucky to have us. We have had our fights and rumblings. And between the three of us, we eventually come to an understanding. When two of us are arguing, the third party usually brokers peace and clarity too. Sadly, that is usually Abbi. Whatever damage has been done is easily repaired and mostly forgotten. Well, maybe not forgotten, but we don’t hold grudges. There is so much love between us. And we generally adore being with each other. I hate that we are all going to be in different states. Relegating the sharing of our lives to phone calls and short visits. But I know this unequivocally; I have the best siblings ever.