It's Been a Long Cold Lonely Winter

After living in Tennessee for 6 months, I had to have a blood test. It was discovered that my Vitamin D level was less than optimal. Surprise, surprise leaving Southern California affected my Vitamin D level. It also turned my long blond hair to brown. When speaking with the doctor he said one of the reasons for our population having lower levels is that we are a little obsessed with showering. Sunshine on our skin needs some time to absorb into our system. We wash it off before it has a chance to soak into our skin and lose the value of standing in the sun. It’s also the best antiseptic for germs. In a world of known’s and unknowns, the magic of sunlight resting on our skin and being absorbed kindled a sense of wonder that I often forget. At least, I forget to renew it.

I have had several conversations with friends and family lately regarding the uncertainty of my life. I have wrestled out in the open. But I am not sure that I have wrestled in the light long enough for the germs to be eliminated. And certainly not enough for the sun drenched wisdom to soak into my soul. A friend sent me a quote the other day by Henri Nouwen. “Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved".” Self-rejection is a particularly insidious quality we all posses. I think we all surrender to it more often than we realize. And I think that surrender comes on the heels of other rejection. Friends, parents, lovers, employers, teachers, and strangers reject us or call us less than, and we reject ourselves. We absorb the rejection and let it addle our brain and heart. It is in that rejection of ourselves that we reject the one who made us. And no matter how much sunshine might be there, we take a shower to wash off the stink and don’t metabolize the light.

I have been offered countless encouragements that have not been platitudes. No “fake it until you make it”, “Happiness is an attitude”, “ Smile. It improves the value of your face”. No, no. I have heard sincere and loving encouragements. Ones that are acutely suited for my heart and spirit. I am learning to be a little more determined to let them shine a bright light on my worries, fears, and pervasive thoughts of my own inadequacies and failures. And I am learning to be a little more determined to let those words soak into my system and metabolize. My hair won’t turn back to blond, but maybe my heart will.

When I don’t sit my ass down in the sunlight, I can’t get any. When I don’t absorb it, I cannot reflect it. When I don’t reflect it, I leave others to wallow in their own rejection. And then I have failed in my endeavor to be and do what I want to be and do. Sun, sun, sun here it comes.