You are Ugly

When I was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6, I would stare into the mirror until my face looked different to me. I would stare and see every crevice, the one or two freckles I had, and the shape of every feature, the color of my hair and how it lay. I would stare and stare and stare until I would say this to myself: “You are ugly”. No one ever told me that. In fact, I was told the opposite. I was surrounded by loving and affirming people that proactively worked to build my self-esteem. And to be fair, I was pretty cute. But this is the conclusion that I came to staring at my face. I was ugly. It was a time in my development that I was wrestling to distinguish between pretty and ugly, beautiful and grotesque, lovely and awful. For some unknown reason I couldn’t see anything that I recognized as beauty in my own face. And since I couldn’t see beauty the only conclusion to draw was that it was ugly.

It is the second day of Lent. I am a big fan of Lent. I love that there is a season that is dedicated to reflection and soul searching in order to discover our own humanity. To see how intractable we are in our own habits and behaviors whenever we try to make the slightest bit of sacrifice. It is in seeing our depravity and selfishness that we are given the opportunity to humble ourselves, recognize our flaws, and embrace the grace given to us to be at peace with God, at peace with others, and at peace with ourselves. In the liturgical calendar, there is Advent (the proclamation of the birth of our savior), Christmas (the birth of our savior), Epiphany (the public demonstration that he is indeed our savior), the ordinary weeks (where we do just about nothing), and then comes Lent. This is the time to fast in some form or fashion to see ourselves for who we are so that we can fully understand and embrace the wonder of his sacrifice and celebrate Easter with fervor and joy. Hopefully, Lent is a season of transformation that allows us to understand his suffering and learn better how to share in it. We need this time to fully understand that he died for us when we were still sinners. We need this time to see that we are indeed still sinners. We need this time to come to terms with what an enormous pain in the ass we all are. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven”. It is only in the recognition of ourselves that we can fully embrace the mercy and grace given to us freely.

But it is not enough for us to simply embrace this for ourselves within our own hearts and minds. In the Jewish tradition of the New Year, God writes the next year of someone’s life into the Book of Life on Rosh Hashanah, the actual New Year. But before Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement with God comes the Day of Atonement with others. They cannot ask forgiveness of God until they ask forgiveness of others. Matthew touches on this theme when Jesus says “ Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” It wasn’t enough simply to ask forgiveness of those you know you have failed; you must go to those you know have an issue with you. Before you even come to the temple in an act of worship, you must be reconciled to each other. Before you can be reconciled to God, you must be reconciled to each other. Richard Foster says in a book about spiritual disciplines “Disciplines are best exercised in our daily activities. If they are to have any transforming effect, the effect must be found in the ordinary junctures of human life: in our relationships with our husband or wife, our brothers and sisters, our friends and neighbors.”
It is important to be introspective. It is important to take time to be alone with our thoughts, consider who we are and how we act, and allow ourselves to be disappointed in what we discover. But we must be careful not to let solitude become isolation. No good comes from keeping only one’s own counsel. We must work out our salvation with fear and trembling and let others see us shake. We are limited in our capacity to recognize our own faults just as we are limited in our ability to recognize our own beauty. We cannot make peace with God without making peace with others. We cannot be at peace with ourselves without allowing others to see and reflect what is ugly and what is beautiful in us. Ultimately, the healing we seek is intertwined. Peace with ourselves, peace with others, peace with God. They all lead to and from one another.

I’m not a theologian. I’m not trying to be. I’m not as learned in all of these things as I would like to be. But I know this: I love Lent. I love the concept. I love the practice. I love the ideal. I love what it is meant to produce. I love it. Love it. Love it. I love it until it comes and I fast from something. I love it until I spend deliberate time reflecting. I love it until it comes, I fast, I reflect, and stare in the mirror and all I have to say is “You are ugly”. Then, I just wish it were Christmas again.